TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historic society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the ideal. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully outside of location. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But Indeed, certain, let us have An additional location the place American Gentlemen can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: supply Every person a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate energy," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It is really that he should end applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the project, replied, "You know, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head noticeable from Place, a element becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following discovering the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not simply unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Functions


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place guests might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are unsure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "where's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting interest from Worldwide investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will even include:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report Trump Tower Damascus about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to see a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD may have turn-down assistance."


One more post from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Feelings with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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